have a little faith.

i've posted the image before above of kim kardashian and the magic of photoshop--it just blows me away when i see the things they can do now with photos.

but of course it also irritates me to no end--how are we supposed to live up to an entirely unrealistic, un-obtainable and unREAL image like what's presented to us?

as a woman who already deals with poor body self image, i just have to shake my head at hollywood. so LAME.

but then, on the other hand, if i was to be honest with myself and others, i would admit that i'm just as easily sucked into this myth. how does a girl cope?

i'll tell you how: by laughing our cottage-cheese, stretch-marked asses off at the following "imaginary email" somebody conceived that redbook photo editor bruce perez would have sent to the underling who would have been undertaking the massive (and oh so hopeless! that faith hill is a TROLL.) job of getting faith's picture ready for the cover--

(i took the liberty of editing it a bit since it was quite naughty. in a delishhhhous way, of course. but i don't want my poor mother to have a heart attack. it's taken from the original jezebel article )

From: Bruce Perez, Photo editor, Redbook

To: Intern David

Okay, it's not Kate Winslet or Oprah or anything, but this is still a, ahem, project.

It turns out Faith Hill looks sort of like your mom. Frankly, of course, if your mom looked like this, I'd still be dating her, but Redbook is under strict instructions to appeal to the younger "Girls Gone Wild" generation--and so the heavy weight of the task, kid, falls on us.

So, here's what needs to happen:

SCALP: You know what we need here? Some more frickin' hair. Please, we could practically reuse her to illustrate one of those perennial female pattern baldness pieces. HELLO, did she not get the message that extensions are the new earrings? Take it from Lauryn Hill, white chicks INVENTED the weave, just like Koreans invented fake nails. And speaking of, Faith: nice manicure! For me to poop on!!

CROWS FEET: What's this under those eyes? Blanche? Dorothy? Good Grief! David, we'll try to get you overtime for this stuff.

THOSE CHEEKS: What exactly do you think she's hoarding in there? Snacks to get her through Ramadan? And boy could somebody please take a little time out on that deviated septum...

OMG THAT EARLOBE: This is a personal one, since no one will probably be able to tell once it hits the cover, but please do some work on that hideous earlobe of hers for me and ixnay on the frickin' MOLE. Lasers were invented for a reason, lady!

NECK: I feel bad about hers.

LIPS: More lines! Ugh: What does she do? Move her mouth into unflattering positions for a living?

CLAVICLE: I know they're hot in New York, but so are those annoying terrorist scarves. This stuff does not fly in Middle America. Just pretend like she has no bones. Also, get rid of that welt from the strap of her dress digging into her flesh; we know she's fat. Everyone else doesn't need to.

BACK FAT: What is this, the new muffin top? She's spilling out all over that attractive sundress. Gross. And could her posture be worse?

THAT HAND, #1: What's it DOING there? Ugh, I don't even want to know. Make it an arm. And pleaaaase make it look like she's sucking in her tummy like a good celebrity.

ASS: Chop.

ARM: is absolutely FINE, with about 50% less girth and 80% less Mystic Tan! It'll probably look unnaturally long and frail and Teen Vogue on the cover: I'm okay with this. Anything to spare readers the grotesque sight of THAT HAND, #2.

All right, see what you can do, and don't stop till she looks at least as young as Reese Witherspoon, or someone, you know, the kids your age would relate to.

I have "faith" in you. Ha!


alex dumas said...

If only they (the magazines) would just let us see them (celebrities) as they really look. But I'm glad all of this is coming to light.