evil children's birthday presents

sometimes, when i feel a little evil, i like to buy birthday presents for my best friend's children that i know they would LOATHE. like really messy, sticky, you-have-to-supervise-for-hours types of toys that are the bane of my existence.


something like this:


some moms like play-doh for it's oh-so educational benefits and encourage their children to be creative and productive--i'm definitely not that mom. i hate playdoh and the messes it makes and the carpet it ruins.

my friend dannielle totally does the same thing and finds the same perverse pleasure in it. this is what she gave chandi for her birthday 2 weeks ago:

it's the 'girl crush streak-n-style' with four different colors of fluorescent hair dye that you "apply" (and i use that term lightly when you are talking about a group of ten year-olds) by inserting (yes--i KNOW i just used the word inserting) them in the wand and squishing them out onto the hair. chandi has absolutely ADORED it. i of course, hate it and am secretly mad that dannielle thought of it first.


her daughter ellie's birthday is this summer. i am thinking about this cotton candy machine

or perhaps this giant ant farm which holds up to two THOUSAND ants (!!!)

or this snoopy sno-cone machine with 5 different flavors of sticky, sticky syrup...yummy.

I WANT TO BUY YOUR LOVE--superfantastic blog giveaway or THE FIRST ONE.

so, in an ongoing effort in my shameless self promotion, i have decided to give away something.

2019 NOTE TO READER**

i saw that tiburon was doing it in her LAME ass blog, so i followed like a lemming and did the same thing because i was following a specific and very idiotic--though i never saw it at the time--set of "blogging rules".  made up and enforced by tiburon. massive eye roll.  it was also a big deal to have a lot of followers--we obsessed over our followers and used sitemeter to count the number of visits daily to the blog and track within a certain number of miles, where the visitor came from.  we had giveaways to win new readers and putting numbers up was huge.  i also remember the day that my blog surpassed tib's blog in followers and then she and i never talked about it again.  predictable.

i was caught up in all of this and was extremely proud when i got up to a downright respectable (but omg LAME and eye roll eye roll) number of followers.  i thrived on that attention and also loved giving things to people, so this was bound to happen.

this superfantastic blog giveaway will serve two purposes:

1: to see if i can flush some of you lurkers out of the bushes by dangling this carrot in front of your noses and see if you bite.

2. there really isn't a second purpose.

i'm pacing myself and gonna start small--i put together a few "seasonals" for easter which will be really awesome timing since this won't even end until after that rabbit blows through town, but i figure it will be like christmas day when you pull it out in 2009!! yay! for those of you who spit on seasonals, i have included a 25$ i tunes gift card and a small potted bush. russ wanted me to call it the "BIG BUSH GIVEAWAY", but, as i'm always refined and in good taste, i refrained.

EVERYONE'S a winner, people--here's a photo of the booty: (and i just said booty)

soooooo, if you are on board with free stuff, leave a comment on this post before friday, march 21st. if you don't have a blog or google account, just post under anonymous with your first name and city and state. once we pick a winner, i will post the results and you can email me your info. i will mail it to WHEREVER you are. even germany, debbie. that's the level of commitment i have to you--i am willing to take it ALL THE WAY.

i think i have the bubonic plague.

i am SO OVER this cold/flu/influenza/scarlet fever/bubonic plague that has got a choke hold on me right now. but, apparently, it is not over me. people are dropping like flies around me in their valiant fight against this nasty strain, and i had been immune up to this point.  i was thanking my lucky stars and feeling a little smug that i hadn't come down with it and wasn't i a picture of health? and then BOOM.  karma is a bitch and she's bitten me on the butt.

the photo to the right is the actual picture of my lung that i coughed up yesterday. i sure hope my other lung will be able to carry the burden of me all by it's lonesome. things have been so bad that i was even desperate enough to consider for like a nano-second taking some robitussin, but i'm afraid that     experimental phase with that product in high school has prevented me from doing so. russ and i leave on saturday to go to california for his marriott conference, so i need to get better, like yesterday. does anyone know of a good medicine man that i can hire to come and pray over my body? i hear they work wonders.... okay, if not, then where i can lay my hands on some black-market lortab to put me out of my misery?

porn for women

my sister loni sent this to me last night and i was laughing and then hacking and then laughing and then hacking so much that i was barking like a seal--i think you ladies will likey. the incredible thing is my sweet husband has basically done almost every single one of these things for me.  and yes, it makes him hotter.   i've always maintained that any husband doing housework is the very definition of foreplay.  translation? you are probably gonna get lucky, fellahs.

we've seen so many concerts we have one example for each letter of the alphabet. (and i'm SO DANG PROUD which should surprise nobody.)

someone asked me a while ago how many concerts i've been to--i've tried to tally up all the ones i've rocked out at--many by my own choice, a few by someone else's, and a few that i wish i could have just blocked from my memory--robert palmer at the centrum 1990, anyone? michael bolton and expose at disneyland grad nite 1988?? yeah, i didn't think so.

my friend then took this situation a bit futher and had attended enough concerts that she had nearly one for every letter of the alphabet.  23 out of 26 letters.  but holy shit YOU KNOW WE CAN DO BETTER......

i present to you my list and would like to point out that......


i got every letter.   (is there a prize?)


A alphaville, air supply, alabama

B bon jovi, berlin

C cars

D depeche mode!! diamond rio, daughtry, duran duran, def leppard

E erasure

F foo fighters

G gwen stefani

H howard jones, hannah montana

I  incubus

J jets, jermaine stewart, justin timberlake, jonas brothers

K killers, kanye west, kansas

L little river band, lionel richie

M madonna, michael bolton

N nickelback, natalie cole

O oak ridge boys

P police, puddle of mudd, pointer sisters

Q, stacey hey--it counts

R red hot chili peppers

S sawyer brown, sting, she wants revenge

T thompson twins, tina turner, three eleven, toby keith, tom jones, timberland

U u2

V vince gill

W wynonna judd

X xpose (i know it's spelled expose, but for today it's with an x)

Y young mc

Z zedd!!!!

that wascaly wabbit or easter seasonals 101

ahhhhhh..easter seasonals, i heart you so. all of your bright pastel colors and happy little chicks and bunnies who put smiles on our faces.

russ clove keeps hoping that one of these years i am just not going to put a single holiday decoration out. i told him to not hold his breath.

international male

every time this catalogue is sitting in my mailbox i am so psyched--it makes me more giddy than a kid on christmas morning! this little publication is the most entertainment you can have without spending a dime.
i am guessing there must be a very large beefy-gigalo, pimp-daddy, hopped up on 'roids market out there cuz this magazine keeps coming (thank goodness) and i keep the dream alive that i am gonna order something for russ one of these years for halloween. we love to look through it and pick out the best ensembles.

these clothing items should not be just for tools! i think we should encourage our men to incorporate some of these fashion-forward styles into their lives. (wouldn't they love it?! hmmmmmm)

 these are from the latest issue, and if you have any birthdays or occasions to buy a little something for that special man in your life, consider one of these:

the santa cruz lounge set or oasis sweater or the carribean silk set--perfect for easter picnics and reunions with your family. plus your mother-in-law will go in for the "hug" when wearing this combo.  guaranteed.

for the elders quorum or high priest social, may we suggest the motor-x jeans--notice the detail on both front and back ... could land you a job higher up the church food chain!

on those chilly nights at your son's football games your man would be off the hook in the coyote-hooded jacket, paired with the jet-setter shoe in light camel...also stg's chilly climate makes this choice a no-brainer.

important board meeting with the firm's partners? dress to impress with the london opera trench coat or officer's dress suit... also this MIGHT have come from arsenio hall's closet but we can neither confirm or deny.





and finally, at the kid's swim-team meets, we feel that the pouch square-cut trunks and gauze cabana caftan would put him head and shoulders above the other fathers! boring swimtrunks BE GONE!

click here for a whole new shopping experience...

chandi gets braces!

 

obsessed with suave spray gel for our little heads of hairs.

one day five years ago i went into the nursery after church to get abbey. when i leaned down to pick her up, another little girl walked right in front of me and i got a big whiff of her hair. i was in love, instantly. i asked her mom why her hair smelled so great and my child's head just smelled like recess and she told me her secret: suave spray gel. yes, suave--dirt cheap and alot of bang for the buck.

i spray it quite liberally on my girl's hair when it is wet after bathing and i have found that it really doesn't work like gel--mostly it just makes their hair smell cleaner. while they are young, i like that i can use something inexpensive, because i know the dollars are gonna start adding up as they get older. my favorite scent is ocean breeze, and i find it at walmart or harmons. i just wish i could figure out how to keep them in saran wrap or a ziplock baggie of some sort so they would still smell good when they come home all sweaty from school--will someone please invent something for that? they would be a billionaire.

i like shiny things

i know there is a bird called the magpie that is attracted to only shiny, glittery things. it has been known to steal rings or jewelry off windowsills or tables. raccoons are also drawn in by bling and their main goal is to steal it and keep it for themselves. (soooo smart)

there is no doubt in my mind that i could hang with my magpie friends because i am a sucker for anything that glitters or shines or reflects light. pretty much i like anything that a 12 year old girl would purchase at the mall. 

if it shines like a disco ball, i'm IN. i know this is lame for a 38 year old adult female, but bling brings me joy. the purses in the photo is what megan gave me for valentine's day because she knew i would love the big pink diamond zipper-pulls (which are REAL diamonds, btw.  neal told me so) i thought they were so cute and the best part about it is that they are from wal-mart which equals cha-eeaap!

the spectrum newspaper never disappoints. also it never gets it right.

still love my small town paper for two reasons:


1. that they are going to promote a group who's hairstylist time-traveled back from the early 90's (i wonder if they used my brush?? hmmmmmmm.)



2. where else can you hear about a real-life scalping in the 21st century? you can't make this stuff up! btw i am never getting in a go-kart at fiesta fun ever again. the end.

wentworth miller for president or we've let our 13 year old watch prison break with us yikes.

okay, let me sing the praises of wentworth miller for a few moments.....ahhhh, you little boy--i could spread you on toast and eat you for breakfast!!

wentworth is the star of the fox television series "prison break". now, i've heard about it off and on for the last couple of years, but i waited way too long to check it out.

 i think it took me all of 8 minutes into the pilot to buy in hook, line, and sinker. i figure we are about the last people on planet earth to discover it, but for the three people who either don't have tivo or live under a rock, let me break it down for you just one time: older-buff brother has been convicted of a crime he didn't commit, and is on death row in prison awaiting execution. younger , smoldering-sex brother--my man wentworth--just so happened to be the structural engineer for the prison older brother is incarcerated in. (who would have thought? hey--it could happen....) smoldering- sex concocts an extensive scheme to break older-buff out, but first smoldering must rob a bank so that he can be thrown in the joint with buff, and then execute his elaborate plans with amazing calmness and steel-blue eyes.....(sigh.) i must admit that we are just a little bit obsessed.

it's true that you have to have a little suspension of disbelief at times, but we can't seem to stop watching and are almost done with the first season. the theme can be a bit mature at times--this isn't especially for youth byu session.....these boys are prisoners, after all, but we manage to selectively ignore that fact.

if you want to borrow season one from me let me know as i highly suggest it-- it's rocked our world! , i think the man is easy on the eyes, but i wouldn't be his biggest fan in this house--that would be our thirteen-year old girl.


katie thinks that perhaps if she gets good grades and helps babysit we will fly him out for homecoming when she turns sixteen. she can hardly see him onscreen without bursting into full-worship mode and makes little sounds like "heh-heh-heh-heh" accompanied by ALOT of comments of "he's so dang HOT!!" he has now officially replaced edward cullen as her computer screen saver. ummmmm....i don't know if you can understand the magnitude of that statement: He Replaced Edward Cullen.


i think she would like to take him home and keep him for our family pet.

ode to rbc or six things i love about russ

i just wanted to write this little love note to my man--here are six things i love about russ:

*he lets me put my cold feet on his legs when i get into bed
*he makes me an omelette for breakfast every morning
*if mine or the girls hands are cold, he will cup them and hold his hands around them and blow hot air into them--works like a charm!
*he works a dress-shirt and tie like NOBODY'S BUSINESS! he is the best dressed man that i know personally and it doesn't hurt that he's incredibly handsome. 
*he likes to take rides with me in the car and turn the radio up loud and just belt it out
*he is a hopeless romantic in a time where hopeless romantics are hard to come by
i love rbc!

an open letter to the publishers of us weekly

dear us weekly,

please, please PLEASE stop printing this magazine that i love more than my own life--i have come to depend on it's existence to justify my own, and i need to cut my umbilical cord that leads straight to your pages.

the money i spend on your publication each year should be going into my four children's college education funds. instead, i have told them to learn phrases like "would you like to supersize this meal?" and "housekeeping? housekeeping?"   i know that not a dime from my subscription fund will make it into their accounts.

i wish you would no longer tempt me with just the right amount of fluff, hollywood gossip and photos of shallow celebrities, while not burdening me with excessive amounts of time-consuming stories about people who fought terminal illness or heroes who saved someone's life. if you would no longer print stories about britney's hair extensions or heidi and spencer's romantic valentine's day yacht jaunt or what joey fatone's red carpet checklist was, i would be able to give you up for good.


but you continually ensnare me with articles like this one about our own beehive state's rehab facility in sundance:




editors, do you realize that by making rehab sound like an exclusive, vip-only resort that it makes me want to have an intervention of my very own, so that i could jet on cirque's private helicopter and take yoga classes with eva and kirsten and lindsay?? surely it has come to your attention that by giving me an article like this:

only reinforces my downward shame-spiral by the fact that i have NOT received my anti cellulite body scrub and wrap, and that my cellulite called and told me it was "here to stay, for like ever!"

so i am begging you, good people of us weekly --please start printing photos of hillary clinton's presidential campaign and articles outlining the food-pyramid and it's nutritional benefits. if you would be so kind as to review only independent pre-worldwar two german films with no subtitles and documentaries that showcase duck hunters and their fascinating world of thigh-high waders, i would no longer find myself a slave to your pages. only then can i move on with my life and make good on the promise to quit you for forever. until then i remain
your dysfunctional, co-dependant friend,
mindi

it's vegas, baby or we stayed at the wynn and watched someone make it rain at tryst

do's and don't's of vegas:

1. do stay with your best friends in fierce hooked-up hotel with a waterfall (we love you wynn)

2. do pack unreasonable amount of shoes (4 pairs) and clothing (4 changes) for less than 24 hrs

3. do eat outside at italian cafe with view of strip and the wynn

4. do make new bff's at concert with inebriated couples surrounding you as they are the most entertainment for your concert dollar (besides the concert itself which straight killed it)

5. don't choose this moment with new bff's for the first discussion (maybe later? okay)

6. don't get into middle of testosterone filled mosh pit appearing at the bottom of the stage

7. do pay 8 dollars for a bottle of water at hard rock hotel

8. don't wait in line for 35 minutes behind 300 other guests for a cab--just make a deal with iranian limo owner and 4 strangers to share a limo back to hotel for 8 bucks each. (yay steve!)

9. don't hesitate to snuggle up with new bff jean in backseat (work it jared!)

10. do sing journey's "don't stop believing" at the top of your lungs with new bff's when limo driver cranks it up (ahh yeahh russ!)

11. do go to swanky nightclub for best people-watching ever. EVAHH. 

12. do see ufc champ "rampage jackson" at booth with lots of ladies--gaze, starstruck and wish you could perform the rear-naked choke hold.

13. do shake it "low, low, low, low...." but dont wear "apple-bottom jeans, and the boots with the fur..." (cuz there are WAY too many girls wearing that outfit already. ohhhhh yes.)

15. do get some good ideas for extreme halloween costumes

16. don't even THINK that your feet aren't gonna hurt like the mother of all hurts. (cuz they WILL)

17. do fall into bed, exhausted, but with "rockstar" vegas weekend" checked off your to-do list!

she's going the distance

i just saw this on a blog and my mouth hurts from smiling so much. this is what i need to train my children to do-- their mom would be bursting with pride!! the song is "going the distance" by cake. my particular favorite part is about 40ish seconds in when she goes for the chorus with gusto like i've never seen before. plus, the hand actions that accompany? the best ever!

this little girl rocks--just like dewey finn from school of rock, she is "-servicing society by rocking, OK? she's out there on the front lines liberating people with her music!-"

mia+sharpie=BAD

we have all of our old family photos hanging on a wall in our basement. i never liked the thought of getting a new picture and then having to put the other perfectly good picture down like a horse to a glue factory-especially the 16x20 family photo that i had laid out a chunk of change for. therefore, we hang them up and it's fun to see how our family has increased over the years or to wonder when i thought it was a good idea to wear a velvet dress.

mia wasn't so into that idea--a few months ago she took a black sharpie and, standing on the back of the big red couch, went down the line and scribbled on every single photo she could be within arm's length of. when seeing the fruits of her labors, i of course FREAKED. 

i don't quite know what to do about them--i don't dare try to rub it off with something strong as i think i would ruin them more (as if that were possible). some of them are on canvas with a texture, etc. and i don't even wanna know how much it would cost to restore them. so they hang still on the wall, as mia's marker masterpieces.

i have a theory that she did it because she was acting out in anger at the fact that we don't have a single picture with her in it on the wall yet. naughty girl.

i've decided that i'm not going to try to fix these.  i think the photos might be just a little more interesting now that mia has helped them out.  

  after all, we get by with a little help from our friends.  and destructive toddlers.