what lurks beneath (the big red couch)

i've decided that my children, despite my best attempts at teaching them better, are all little piglets.

i have carried this knowledge down deep in my heart, secretly willing it to NOT be true. but the ugly reality was confirmed the other morning when i decided to take our big red sectional couch apart. what i found was deeply disturbing, heinous, nauseating, and managed to chill me to my very core.

apparently, my children have a silent, unwritten code that is STRICTLY adhered to and fastidiously obeyed: if it needs to be thrown away, put in a drawer, folded/wiped/organized/mended/and/or tossed out, then it GOES IN BETWEEN THE CUSHIONS.

grody food? PUT IT UNDER THE CUSHIONS. old magazines you don't want anymore? PUT THEM UNDER THE CUSHIONS. starburst wrappers, trix, paper clips, pencils, hair accessories, broken jewelry, chewed gum, scratched cd's?? yup. UNDER THE FREAKIN' CUSHIONS.

after 90 minutes of tugging, pulling, lifting, swearing, sweating, lugging, and MORE cursing, i had a trash bag full of crap.

some of the items found under the couch included but are not limited to:

a barbie head
school library book
laser pointer
marker lids (but no markers....hmmm....)
every candy wrapper known to man
silly putty
hooker-red lipstick
flip flop
70 bazillion bobby pins and hair elastics (KAITLYN: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)
pair of barbie panties (don't worry. they were mine.)
monopoly money
un-eaten crusts from a pb & j sandwich (ABBEY: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!)
tin foil
roll of stamps

towards the end of the project, i was absolutely certain that i was going to need some post-traumatic-shock-syndrome therapy.


Mrs Anne said...

you're an amazing mother.
and i hope to be JUST like you someday.


p.s. i think your kids are crazycute!

Vanessa said...


I said it. My son is disgusting.

The Patrona said...

At least you didn't find any adult novelties....:)!

Lacie @ Creative Attempts said...

This sounds exactly like the things I would expect find under my sons booster/car seat! ewwww

Cole said...

I call dibs on the lipstick. I need me some more of that hooker red.....

Just SO said...

but did you find any loose change so you could go refill your mug and treat your PTSD?

I know where you are coming from lady. I know where you are coming from.

tammy said...

I guess it's probably time I looked in my couch cushions.

Ida said...

I just did the same thing yesterday cleaned the crap from behind the couch in the loft. I blame Gianna the boys are to little to figure that one out yet.

mCat said...

No money? That's how I support my Monster habit.

Maybe I should look a little deeper, I might find even more fun treasures....

Amy said...

At least your kids stuff them under the cusions... my little monsters just throw it under my chair in the living room... yeah the one that you can look under from my front door. As pissed off as I get is minor compared to Big Daddy. He has a minor volcanic eruption when he looks under the cusions in the "man cave". He vacuums it up and it is a good thing the vacuum has some sort of sound to drown out the swear words that are flinging.

chawni said...

I didnt do it!

kami @ nobiggie.net said...

Ew! I just don't think I could handle it. Although the hooker red is a bit reveiling... Hmmm.

carly k said...

Are you sure those undies are yours cuz I'm missing my favorite pair...? just wondering.

tiburon said...

I feel your pain my friend. For real.

I misread it thought and thought you found 70 BRAZILIANS in your couch. That would have to be a big couch.

Omgirl said...

We have a sectional in the kids' playroom which the cushions do not come off of, but which has very deep cracks between them. I am positively afraid to look between the cracks for this very reason.