so yesterday was the day i had to do the thing i've been dreading for weeks and putting off for (3) years: making an appearance at the gynecologist's office. (also referred to as the "down-there-doc" if you read seriously so blessed!, or the "box doctor" if you are my bestie kristin.)
i'm a grown woman who's had 4 children, but for some reason i've developed a healthy fear of the gyno. i don't dig feeling vulnerable in my paper gown, waiting for something cold to go somewhere i don't want it to while i lay there trying to act like i ALWAYS lounge with my feet up in the stirrups.
i tend to try to diffuse uncomfortable situations with humor (often times inappropriate, naturally). yet try as i might, yesterday i just could not find a whole lot of funny things to say as the doctor is saying, "gentle...gentle....just a little pressure.....pressure..." i find that i got nuthin'. yes, nothing at all when somebody is down there all up in my lady business.
now, let it be stated for the record that i have an AWESOME doctor--dr. rogers delivered all four girls and is the bomb. i just wish i had some other reason to chat with him other than an occasion that involves a pair of latex gloves and some lubricant. (yikes!)
my mom and her friend had the most GENIUS idea about how to get through this process with a shred of dignity left: they suggested a big conveyor belt that moves very slowly through the office. each patient would have a paper bag over their head with a number on it to identify them, and you'd just move through, stop for a quick, anonymous check, and out before anybody was the wiser. fast. efficient. (relatively) painless.
if that didn't work, we could always go this route:
anyhow, i'm relieved it's over. & now i'm just psyched about my mammogram in 2010!!!
31 comments:
Mammogram?!?!
DANG! You ARE old ;)
i always get confused when people blog about gno's. i think they are talking about the down there doc instead of girl's night out.
before i caught on i would always wonder how to schedule my next dtd appointment at the cheesecake factory...
YIKES-- NOT GOOD TIMES :) The little midgey sized paper gowns that stick to you cuz you are waiting what seems like an eternity & getting nervous.... I agree on the paper bags baby
luvs
I don't know what it is, but when I was prego it didn't bother me, but now you would think he was going to pull teeth from my gy opening instead of my mouth! I hate it too. Mine is coming up soon! Let the grooming begin!
Ugh. I really need to make an appointment.
I still remember a visit, a few months after the birth of my second child, when the doctor was beginning the exam and had to pry my knees apart. I imagine him wanting to say, "Seriously, lady? We're not over this yet?"
"Nope, doc. We're not."
your mom has the right idea.
I'm sure I have the same fears as everyone else. What if there is an odor? Do other people shave or not? AUUGGGGHHHH! What do I do? Sorry you had to go through this. It doesn't really help that all of the rest of us have to do it too. I realize they have seen so many that it is common place, but they haven't seen MINE. Yuck!
Yeah, I am not a huge fan of the box dr. myself!
Definitely not my fave appt. of the year!
I am sooo with you (and everyone else it seems) on this one! I haven't gone since my six week post partum with maddie and I am way over due :( I dunno, for some reason I alway rather my box doc (ha, that is a great one!) to be a woman.
Hey, I went to the gyno yesterday too! My husband said just before I left, "You seem nervous." I said, "Well, it involves being pantless, putting your feet in these horrible things, a duckbill, a huge bright light, and someone's head that I don't know right between my legs. How would YOU feel?!?"
How bout this... I work in a Midwives clinic and usually see my Doc somewhere else simply to keep the weirdness down when crossing paths with your co-worker in the breakroom after they've been all up in your stuff.This past year, the convenience of having my annual in the next room won over so I got my good friend Emma, who is a wonderful ob-gyn provider to see me. She started the visit out with "so if you can change into the gown and get up on the table, I'll be back in a minute and we'll check that crotch rot for ya" That'll put you right at ease.
Oh my gosh you are hilarious! I too don't enjoy the gyner doc. And wow! You have a fan from Portugal! :)
I had a horrible experience for my first GYNO visit.
this post brings up horrible memories!
When I called to make my post partum appt after my last baby, I mentioned I was a little overdue. "How long?" she asked, "7" I replied, "weeks", "nope", "months", "nope", "YEARS!"
hahahah tallulah - "crotch rot" that is the most vile yet hilarious thing I've heard all day! Thats why we call it a snapper. Mindi, you should dedicate an entire post just to be words that people use to call their lady parts or nether-regions..
I've just concluded that it just never gets any easier to be poked and prodded by a Gynnocollagyst. EVAH.
i may be weird, but i enjoy the gyno. i don't dread it all at. i had a horrible experience with a woman gyno and i refuse to see another one. i only like men. and i now i sound like a sicko. but, i also look forward to going to the dentist. i think i just like all the attention.
yikes.
I love your description...you always crack me up! In fact, if I could wish for something...besides being at an ideal weight for forever...it would be for more time to enjoy your blog...it makes me happy :) see?
Way to make an incredibly uncomfortable part of being a woman so very funny.
Try seeing your FIL as your gyno, and then sit at the same table for Sunday dinner together. I should get a major award for that one, or like a million dollars. ;) I guess when you are desperate to have answers, you will do anything.
The mammogram is just as fun as you have heard! Lucky me I have had 2 already. Make sure you have your baseline done at or just before your 40th birthday. It sucks but you feel much better after it is done.
Don't worry about being old. Tib loves the fact that I get to give her the heads up about all the lovely new tests. Because I am that old!
BOX DOCTOR!!! That's hilarious! I just barely heard that slang for the first time not that long ago. and I love it.
So great. Seeings how I have this very same sort of appointment tomorrow at 2:45, I will be sure to grab a large paper sack or Conner's Clone Trooper mask with me. What a brilliant idea!
I'm on fairly friendly terms with my OBGYN. We always chat longer than we should during OB visits. But the gyno visits just make everything weird and uncomfortable. I find it hard to say, "So, Doc. What new CD's have you bought" when he's arm deep in my hoo-ha.
My doc always acts kind of embarrassed that he has to be down there in my bizness. And I am weird because I'd rather go to the box doctor than the tooth doctor.
My visit with the Hoo-Hoo Guru yesterday didn't go so well. It started with high blood pressure because I was so freakin nervous to be there and ended with getting scheduled for (hopefully minor)surgery in the near future.
I'll leave out the PAP PAP NOT HAPPY good time that happened in the middle of the visit.
I was in a peek-a-boo gown that had little blue pyramids all over it. Sadly it didn't cover my breastages. They kept flopping out like they were suddenly possessed by a Hooter's waitress and they were aiming for a big tip.
I stand by my theory that the good ol' pelvic exam would be a HECK of a lot more tolerable if they would supply you with nitrous like they do at the dentist. Talk about relaxed.
{shudder} Don't even want to think about my next visit.
ugh not my favorite part.
My obgyn doctors always ask silly questions while they "do their thing" and I always say the same thing, "Uh yeah...ok...yep". STOP TALKING!!!
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