{image courtesy of tiburon}i've written before about my hate/hate relationship with my body. this is how it's always been, my whole entire life, and as i get older and wiser i keep thinking that i'll "make up" with myself and get over it.
yeah...........not so much.
the other day russ was watching some crazy documentary on e! entertainment television (where ALL of the really in-depth, serious programs air) and one particular segment caught my eye: it was about this woman who had been diagnosed with body dysmorphic syndrome
{from wikipedia}
Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) (previously known as Dysmorphophobia[1] and sometimes referred to as Body dysmorphia) (also known as "Dysmorphic syndrome," and "Dysmorphophobia"[2]) is a psychiatric disorder in which the affected person is excessively concerned about and preoccupied by an imagined or minor defect in their physical features. The sufferer may complain of several specific features or a single feature, or a vague feature or general appearance, causing psychological distress that impairs occupational and/or social functioning, sometimes to the point of complete social isolation.[3] It is estimated that between 1%-2% of the world's population meet all the diagnostic criteria for BDD.
i was totally fascinated. and then it occurred to me: have i got a slight case of this? do we all as women, in general, display symptoms of bdd??
it seems like, no matter how much i weigh or how much weight i can lose, or which surgery i have to put humpty dumpty back together, i never seem satisfied with the appearance of my body. there is always SOMETHING that i can pick apart, criticize, or complain about.
cellulite? CHECK. boobs that won't stay in place no matter what god and dr. rhodes has done to them? CHECK. CHECK. backfat? (sung "backfat, backfat" to the tune of dora's "backpack, backpack...".)CHECK. CHECK. CHECK.
the point of this post is NOT to get sympathy comments. it's point is to illustrate that mindi thinks her scarred psyche-thinking about this is certifiable.
i realize that hollywood plays a part in how we all think. but i also know that, being one of those girls who has had to "watch her weight" from 3rd grade on, i've never remembered a time when the number on the scale wasn't an issue. i even remember being jealous in 6th grade of my best friend kristina nelson--she could eat whatever she wanted WHENever she wanted and it never seemed to be an issue. i was ELEVEN YEARS OLD! my only concerns should have been when tommy howell was gonna return my love and when lana was gonna buy me a pair of jordace jeans.
i hear people talk about loving themselves at any weight, and i've witnessed the positive power of that, but i just can't seem to get on board. am i alone in thinking this?
so, my question to you is: can one ever break the spiral of self shame? or will it just cost one millions of dollars in therapy at matt eschler's office to do it? hmmmmmm. discuss.
26 comments:
Hmm. That's a good one, and I don't know! I think we all do it to some degree, but oddly enough for me, I've been more OK with my body since having kids than I was before. Maybe because on some level I feel like I have an excuse? This tummy has house two humans thus far and then had them surgically removed. But I still look at what I looked like pre-kiddies and think, wow, I was hot and didn't know it. And I think that surely if I looked like that again I would think I looked good, even though I didn't think I looked good back when I actually looked like that. (I know, I'm getting dizzy). I guess for me, I've become more OK with the fact that this is just me, even though I could tell you at least ten things I'd like to change about my body.
Yeah, I don't really have that. I mean, there are things that I do/have/will hate about my body. Always. But I surgically fixed the worst two (no, not my boobs) and lasered the other ones, and I can live with the rest. As long as I diet for the rest of my life, of course.
It's a crying shame, Mindi. I can definitely relate. I never feel totally content with the way I look. Ever. Let's go to therapy together and get a two-for-one, okay? I know a guy...
I haven't seen you naked (yet) but I think you look hot. I do get what you're saying though. When I was a skinny aerobics instructor I still thought my thighs were too heavy. Now though I'd love to have those thighs and the rest of that body back.
i was thinking along the same lines of tammy....
i've had a problem with how my body looks since about 8th grade and i now look back to when i was even in my 30's and think, what was my problem.
maybe it is hollywood, maybe it is this disorder you talk about....i don't know, but it's something real.
Since HS I have hated my body. It didn't help that I was always taller than everyone else and that my choir teacher announced to the class that they were cutting the excess material off the teeniest girl in the class' choir dress to put it into mine so it would fit me. And I was only a size 14. Thanks Mr. Tucker for adding to my already self conscious self. I keep thinking if I get back down to that size, all will be well in my head. We'll see. For now, I long to be in the size 6 club that makes up my neighborhood/ward.
I don't know what it will take. Maybe for Jessica Alba to gain 50 lbs and embrace it? Maybe then we will all like our back fat, guts and jiggly thighs.
Whoops, is this the confession booth? Sorry, that sounded like a therapy session.
Ugh.
I told my husband the other day that I've hit the wall. I feel bad about my body, but I'm getting to the point where time doesn't permit me to think about it much anymore. I'm trying to work out and focus on being healthy and not skinny, but c'mon. Who am I kidding? I'm a member of the size "small" club and I'm still not satisfied!!!
Is there a cure? I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer, but I don't think so.
Hey, YOU always look great though!
yeah....i don't know! i have a distinct memory of feeling fat on my first day of kindergarten (will post about it soon) and it's never gone away, even during my "skinny" times.
This is a tough one. I have always thought I was too fat even when I was a size six. I don't know how you get rid of that feeling. And now that I do need to lose weight I feel like less of a person because I can't seem to control that one area of my life. It is amazing to me how we can be the most incredible women on the planet and not realize it because we have stretch marks and saddle bags from having babies. I don't know how you fix it though. I don't think we live in a society where we can fix it. Too much emphasis is put on beauty. What are we supposed to teach our daughters when we are constantly dieting and starving ourselves to look good? The cycle is just going to continue.
point: grass is always greener - for us all I think! I got some help from Dr. Plastic 10 years ago & somehow it was never what I thought it would be. Weird thing is I would do it again. :)
note: Matt Eschler bought our dog when we were in college. :)
I don't think it's possible to get around it in our culture. As women we are simply always measuring ourselves up. My friends from Africa, thought they were being kind when they said,"You are happy now, you are finally fat." I tried to explain you should NEVER say that to an American women, but they just laughed at me. We see this constant need to be in control. Of our weight, our homes, our hair, our kids, maybe even our husbands. Or at least appear in control. Other cultures value different things. My Sudanese friends see gaining weight as a sign that a woman is happy, healthy, having babies, and her husband takes good care of her. Not that they don't have their issues too, they do, thy are just different ones.
When I find myself being uber critical of my looks, I know I'm either spending too much time on myself, or am feeling out of control in some area of my life. Something is out of balance. I'm not talking about being unhealthy, like you, I'm talking about being vain and hard on myself.
Holy crap, I wrote a novel! Guess I was feeling chatty.
I think everyone has *something* they don't like. I'm only 5'1" & would like to be taller, but read further up in the comments and there are ppl talking about hating being tall.....Grass is always greener, I guess.
For me, I've just accepted it & live with it...Surgery isn't an option, anyway -- there's no operation that's going to insert about 3" between my waist and my first rib or give me long legs/make me "leggy" no matter how much I would like those things.
I'm one of those thats always struggled with my size; I've always wished I was a petite girl.
Finding out? Theres always going to be lots of girls thinner than me. Always going to be someone more petite, smaller wrists, cute little button nose... I've found I can always find a way to compare myself to others and take myself down a notch. SAD that I've based my worth on that at times; you could probably see my face drop when I was in the same room as someone I deemed way hot and gorgeous and I would feel that I was less of a woman because I didn't measure up.
I'm getting better at this though. I feel like probably no matter what I do I'll always struggle a little with these deep rooted insecurities, but I've wasted so much energy and time on all of that. I dont wanna anymore!
Matt E's office wont get a paycheck from me.
One of the best books concerning this?: "NEW Psycho Cybernetics" by Maxwell Maltz. I swear - it's definitely worth the read, especially for a mom raising girls.
I think we are doomed. Even someone who you or I would think is "perfect" has some issue or another. Therapy, many years and many dollars. Or just good friends :)
When I was in high school (what, like 10 years ago now) I was super skinny and didn't have to work out or watch what I ate. NOW, after having 2 kids my body is falling apart and I feel like it takes up too much of my thinking time. I want to be somewhere in the middle, the curves of the present but the abs of the past. i wish i could work out and keep up with it but I hate it. I have had a boob job and love them, but wish I could nip and tuck a few other things. If you find any golden nuggets of wisdom, let me know
we're never happy with what we have. i have recently had a few "ah-ha" moments while taking care of patients that have far worse problems than my few extra pounds. i've come to the realization that i want to be healthy (and skinny- but thats the bonus) and not end up with both my legs amputed or lose my sight! OR lose the ability to wipe my own butt! i spilled about this crap on my blog-
I am woman, therefore I will find a flaw. NO.Matter.What.
Overcome it? Nope.
Even when everyone tells you how wonderful you look (and by the way - you know how I feel - does running crying intimidated like a little girl mean anything to you?), it's YOUR thoughts and YOUR head and no one is gonna be able to break that down but you.
Do I have any answers? Nope. Just rambling on......
when i was ten my cousin told my brother who told me that i have the widest hips and biggest thighs he had ever seen. this still haunts me 18 years later.
and in college my super serious boyfriend told me that before we could get married, i would have to get my nose "fixed". i was so dumb that i actually considered it. i should have punched him in the face. i was never self-conscious about my nose until then. and now i think about my "ugly" nose every time i look in the mirror.
what's the moral to all this? shopping, eating cookies and planning revenge do make you feel better. lucky for you, ex-boyfriend lives in vegas and when i carry out my revenge on him, i will pick you up on the way and you can watch. i think that will make us feel better.
You had me at back-fat back-fat. Geez-louise... did I sign up to read a novel on this one, or what?;)
I'll tell you what...It's sad that we can't see ourselves the way that others see us. Why can't we by like those girls in the dressing room at Old Navy.
I want to go on...but that's all I want to say about that. (Forrest Gump)
I think that the only thing I can really attribute my "happiness at any weight" mentality to would be the fact that my parents (read: mom) never really made any big issue out of it.
There have been times when I wasn't happy with myself for being so lazy and disrespectful to my body (read: eating til over stuffed), but I think I've only once had true distaste for my own body.
Granted I've done a lot of self appraisal (read: assessment) and reflection in the time after that moment in order to get to where I want to be.
I'm rambling and most of it probably doesn't apply so much to your question. I think one of the best ways to start thinking about yourself more positively is by finding one thing that you like about yourself when you look in the mirror.
Instead of when you look in the mirror going "ew gross I've got blah blah blah today", say something like "dang my blah blah blah looks hot" You can even put up post its with positive phrases and stuff in different spots in your bathroom, or even use dry erase markers on the mirror.
Sorry. Sermon over. ;)
TOTALLY have it.
TOTALLY.
Me Too! I have it too!!!
I only wish I had a Dr.Rhodes. I'm still saving up for my visit....The little piggy bank for that one, yeah it doesn't exist but if it did there would be a whole lot of air and nothing but air in it. Maybe I can talk my husband into blowing our tax return (some year)on something fun, like a new rack, and I'm not talking spices. Although it would be spicy! Two pregnancies, two labors and months of nursing, the ladies will never be the same! I look like a ten year old in a bathing suit and you can tell there have been kids if I wear a bikini to help out the ladies.....will it ever end? Someday, a new rack and a flat tummy, things to dream of at the ripe age of 26. (I was 20 when I had my last kid)
Yeah I have it I think I felt good in high school, and that was about it. Now 3 kids later I will be visiting the plastic.
Karma or every unhealthy thing I have eaten in my lifetime has bitten me in the ass... I was the 98 lb. senior that can't go to the HIght School reunion. It is too bad that this all matters so much. I too have it...tell me when anyone finds a cure!
I'm a blurker, I'll admit it, I found your blog when someone posted about your confession booth. I know what you mean, and I think every woman in the civilized world knows. The only way I have been able to take the focus off of weight is to exercise regularly, and focus on what is healthy and what isn't. Is is healthy to spend time being negative about my body ( that is amazing, that is disease free, etc.) when I could be playing with my kids/ talking with my husband/ reading a book/ getting in some 'me' time? Is is healthy to keep eating that bucket of ice cream? When I start to feel like I'm getting obsessive over something, anything, I try to step back, breath, and think "Is this healthy?" I know it sounds all "zen" like my name is lotus-flower-blossoms but it works. Also, like someone else said, focus on the good when you look in the mirror. When ever you think 1 bad thought about yourself, think two good for it.
Girl! What you need is to be gettin yourself some Leslie Hall.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8WoyPEVRFo
And another great one
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ddFBX9hwaOM
Nobody rocks the self love like she does! She'll be in Salt Lake March 28th and I'm gonna be there. Wanna go? I went last year and it was fantasmic.
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